The Silk Cafe

Trusting God Through the Storm

2011-06-10T19:22:00.008-04:00

How to go through the storms of life

and still serve God in ministry

In studying this topic I couldn’t help but look at the life and ministry of Jesus and His example to the disciples. Just as I have seen in my own life, when you make a vow to follow God, there is no shortage of storms and trials. No sooner than Jesus was baptized was He also led into the wilderness for 40 days where He endured temptation from the enemy. However, every time the enemy persisted, Jesus answered him with the Word of God.

Since Jesus was a human being, I believe His faith was tested during the wilderness experience. After 40 days of fasting Jesus had to be hungry and weary. Satan offered him what His body longed for, but instead of giving in to the flesh, Jesus used the authority He had as the Son of God. This was a lesson that He soon passed on to the disciples. They had left their families and occupations to follow Jesus, but one day they found themselves in a boat in the middle of a storm. They were fearful for their lives as their ship seemed to be consumed by the waves, but in the midst of it all, Jesus was asleep. Jesus, whose faith was strong and steadfast in the Lord, asked, “Why are you fearful, oh you of little faith?” The disciples had to learn what Jesus already knew – they served a God who commanded the wind and the waves. (Matthew 8:23-27)

I received another glimpse of how Jesus handled the storms of life while ministering to God’s people when I studied Matthew chapter 14. Several things happened in this chapter. First, John the Baptist was beheaded at the request of King Herod’s niece on behalf of her mother. In Matthew’s account, John’s disciples buried his body and took the news to Jesus. According to Luke, John the Baptist was a relative of Jesus, as well as the man who baptized Him and prepared the way for people to receive Him as the Messiah. For John’s disciples to deliver news of his death to Jesus this signifies the relationship that these men had. When Jesus received the news, Matthew says He went away to be by Himself. I believe He was troubled by it and perhaps wanted to go away to pray.

However, the multitudes of people followed Jesus and when He saw them, the Word says He had compassion for them. In that moment, He had to put His feelings aside, even His desire to be alone with God, and He ministered to the needs of the people. In the midst of whatever Jesus was feeling that made Him want to be alone, He ministered healing to the sick people in that multitude and then miraculously He fed so many people with only five loaves of bread and two fish.

What I see in this situation, is that Jesus put His feelings and desires aside to fulfill the work of the ministry. He was about His Father’s business and did not have time to lament and be sorrowful when life did not go the way He may have wanted it to. He kept His eyes on God and His focus on His God-given purpose. After He took care of the people that evening and they began to leave, Jesus sent the disciples away and had His delayed time alone with God to pray. Later that night, Jesus caught up to the disciples by walking on the water toward their boat. This is when Peter attempted to do the same, but found that his faith was not there yet. Prior to Jesus’ arrival the wind had been tossing the boat back and forth but when He got into the boat with them, the wind ceased. The disciples worshipped Him saying “Truly, You are the Son of God.” The disciples recognized Him by the authority He exercised as God’s Son. In the midst of stressful times, in the midst of the storm, Jesus was quietly calm, confident and assured of who He was and who was in control.

Similar to our Lord Jesus, we demonstrate that we are God’s children by the way we respond to the storms of life. Even when Jesus knew the hour was soon coming for Him to give up His life, He went to God in prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane and submitted Himself to God’s will. When we know who we are and whose we are, we know that our lives are in God’s hands and there is no need to fall apart when the winds blow. We recently witnessed how tornados have swept across the country bringing death and destruction in certain areas. As children of God, we know that even in the midst of chaos, God receives the glory. Even if certain things in our lives seem out of place, we know that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways. He sees the full picture and He knows how it will all come together in the end. With this assurance, we don’t need to waste time worrying about things that are beyond our control. Like Jesus, we should respond to life’s situations with the Word of God and prayer. Instead of worrying, we can spend our energy doing the work that God has given our hands to do. We can minister to God’s people from a place of peace and love, rather than from a place of flesh and confusion.

Psalm 107:23-32

(New King James Version)

²³ Those who go down to the sea in ships,
Who do business on great waters,
²⁴ They see the works of the LORD,
And His wonders in the deep.
²⁵ For He commands and raises the stormy wind,
Which lifts up the waves of the sea.
²⁶ They mount up to the heavens,
They go down again to the depths;
Their soul melts because of trouble.
²⁷ They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man,
And are at their wits’ end.
²⁸ Then they cry out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He brings them out of their distresses.
²⁹ He calms the storm,
So that its waves are still.
³⁰ Then they are glad because they are quiet;
So He guides them to their desired haven.
³¹ Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
³² Let them exalt Him also in the assembly of the people,
And praise Him in the company of the elders.

Are You God’s Gift? Part I

2010-04-17T23:52:00.004-04:00

When you think about the person you want to be in relationship with, what characteristics come to mind? God-fearing, humorous, adventurous, responsible, kind, respectful, thoughtful, good-looking, intelligent, charming or what?

No matter how varied our individual lists may be, we all want the most important and basic thing - we want someone who will love us. We want that unconditional love that will look beyond our past, our faults, and our ugliness and only see the beauty, the power and the potential. We want to rest, knowing that we are safe and secure in the arms of one who will never abuse us or turn us away.

Those who wait on God to reveal their soul mate realize that every good and perfect thing comes from the Lord, so that person is worth the wait.

The question I want to pose to you, whether you are in a relationship, seeking a relationship, waiting on a relationship or already married is - are you that good and perfect gift for your soul mate?

Here are some ways to tell if you are God's gift:

I Corinthians 13 says, "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres."

Do you love as Christ loves the Church? Are you patient, loving and kind?

Or are you envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking and easily angered? Do you keep record of other people's wrongs?

Now of course when you fantasize and think of your future mate, it can be very easy to say "Yes, I'm ready! I know how to love."

It is easy to love when things are going exactly the way we want them to go. However, do you know how to love when it comes to that person who always rubs you the wrong way? What about the ex that always knows exactly what to say to get your blood boiling? That cousin that is just loud for no reason? That aunt who is always comparing you to her kids? What about those parents who you blame for all of your issues?

Many of us have people in our lives that we are pretty much stuck with for better or for worse and we didn't even have to walk down an aisle to claim them. These are our family, our children, our bosses, our co-workers and the people whose lives are intertwined with ours for some inescapable reason.

How do you treat those people? Do you hold grudges? Do you avoid them? Do you stop speaking? Do you blow up in anger? Do you hold your tongue while secretly getting more and more upset? Do you find it hard to forgive? Do you yell, slam doors or get revenge?

Now imagine God finally sends you your sweetie and you do all of that stuff to them! That beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, smiling and dimpled gift is unknowingly destined to be the victim of your grudge-holding, passive-aggressive, screaming, yelling, door-slamming self.

You may think this is impossible but the reality is that it happens all the time. It is easy to say we should get over our past romantic relationships and clear away that baggage before we get into a new relationship. However, we forget about the relationships we have that are not in the past yet still negatively affect us. We carry that baggage into our romantic relationships as well. Our mistrust of our other loved ones becomes mistrust of our soul mate. The worries, the fears, the triggers - we carry the garbage we picked up from other relationships and never forgave and we eventually see our God-given gift through those eyes.

When God blessed me with my husband-to-be I soon learned how my past was interfering, even in what was the most wonderful relationship I have ever known. As soon as something happened in my relationship that reminded me of something from my past, those old emotions were stirred and we had a problem. I was not free to fully love and accept my fiancée until I forgave and released all of the wrongs that I thought I had already left behind. I had to let those things go in order to fully give him my love. If I had not let those things go, our growth as a couple would have been severely limited. We would not have had a chance to work out any of our real issues because I would have still been fighting against issues from my past.

Forgiveness is a tool that frees you to be able to enjoy your life and enjoy the people in your life. It frees you to love and be loved in return. When you are willing to forgive and walk in love, you become a gift, ready to be released to the one whom God has prepared for you.

***Are You God's Gift? Join the live discussion on Thursday, May 6^th, 2010 at 9pm Eastern when Rachel Renee Griggs hosts the phone chat for http://thepluralthing.com. Log onto the website for details.

Do Not Disturb

2009-12-22T22:18:00.009-05:00

"Do not disturb" is the sign hanging on the door. The lights are low and I am caught up, having an intimate moment. He is working out all the kinks in me.

Please do not disturb - this is none of your affair. If you do not belong on this side of the door, do not come knocking. You will be disappointed. Some things cannot be done or undone in front of watchful eyes. There are times when it is necessary for Love to call you away and reconnect. Now is that time.

Now is not the time for you to push your agenda for me. Now is not the time for you to speak. Do not attempt to interrupt the flow. If you have to knock and push on the door that means you have not been invited in or granted access.

Please leave. I state it gently but I mean it with all the fire and strength of heaven. Don't make me say it again.

My life depends on what happens in this place of intimacy. It is an understatement to say this is a critical time in my life. The forces of hell did not want this time to come. They would love to crash this party but it is too late for that.

This is not only critical for me, it is urgent for those who will come after me and those who depend on me now.

Do not disturb me. I need to focus on my Lord. I need Him now more than ever. I need Him to reach deep on the inside and wash away the dirt, the stains and the residue of a broken past. I need Him to get rid of those things that can't be easily seen, heard or felt but still bring death and destruction nonetheless.

Lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil.

Lord please fill me with Your Light, Your Love, Your Holiness. Purify me. Wash me again and again with Your Love. I will not stray.

There is no other place I want or need to be, but safe in Your arms - the door closed to the world - and safe - in Your arms.

Sign on the Dotted Line

2009-07-13T21:09:00.002-04:00

As I enter the final stretch of classes before completing my MBA, I realize that my blogger and student personalities will undoubtedly collide. I was reading an article for class about how banks increasingly demand additional business from corporations who seek short-term financing. Company A wants a loan and Bank Number 1 says, sure we'll give you a loan, but you have to open this checking account as well. What started as an intention for a short-term financial arrangement came with the price tag of a long-term, committed, banking relationship.

As I reviewed my notes from the article, all I could see was how a person gets started on the road of bondage and how "the wages of sin are death". Think about some of the most compromising situations you have gotten yourself into. I say "gotten yourself" because too often we blame "the devil" for something we did with both eyes wide open! Let's give credit where it's due! We too often are our own worst enemies when it comes to getting ourselves messed up.

So there you are with a decision to make. You can do what you know will feel good for a moment but carries an infinite number of consequences, or you can avoid the situation and stay out of trouble. Let's say you talk yourself into taking the bait, saying you know better, you're strong enough to handle it etc. You decide to take on some temporary fun but next thing you know, you are emotionally attached to something that is tearing your heart up every time you engage in it. The situation has snowballed out of control and you are caught in the middle of it. Now you are shaking your head wondering how you wound up here, again!

I have learned that this is how temptation works. Something you like is presented to you, it has deadly consequences, but it could be disguised as something harmless. There will always be a warning signal that what you are about to do is not going to remain harmless, but if you are hardheaded, you will participate anyway. When you ignore the warning signals you commit yourself to a relationship with sin. Hopefully, you will heed the continued warnings of the Holy Spirit and repent.

I know, unfortunately from experience, that once you have signed on the dotted line, the entities involved may not let you out of your contract so easily. You will try to repent and your emotions will play tricks on you to make you believe that you cannot walk away. Your friends may not understand and get mad at you for turning away from them. The person you have been fooling around with may get mad because you don't want to play anymore.

So what will you do? Will you continue a commitment with sin and shame that you really did not want to begin with? Or will you allow Jesus to make it right? All it takes is your genuine repentance, you turning away from the sinful activities and focusing on the Word of God instead. Hide yourself in God when you feel you are being tempted to make deals with the devil. It's not worth trying to be tough and face it on your own. God is here to help and Jesus already signed the ultimate contract to redeem your life when He sacrificed His own.

“Just Can’t Leave Him Alone”

2009-05-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

You know you need to leave. Staying with him is causing you to compromise the essence of who you are and what you believe. You feel that if you stay you may lose yourself forever and become an empty shell of what you used to be. Yet, every time you think you are ready, you find that you just can't leave him alone. Something pulls you back and keeps you wanting more of him, even with the expected cost of your peace, happiness and possibly your self-esteem.

I have been there and I know many women who can say the same. Once you've given your heart, soul, body and everything else you can possibly give you are suddenly bound to this person and you don't even know why. You think you love him but you even question that because you don't like him much anymore. It feels like being with him has you locked in a jail cell and you don't even know how long your sentence is. You wonder when it will end. Will it get better? Will he change? Will I ever be able to walk away for good? You say you're done but you know that you are not in complete agreement with that statement. What will it take to close this chapter forever?

Perhaps you aren't even committed to him, but you enjoy the attention that he gives you. You like having someone to keep you company, take you out and share a meal or fill the silence with sweet words that boost your ego. He's not your man, but you are having so much fun that you don't care. You may not realize the pain you are causing and the way that you are blocking yourself from receiving the relationship that was intended for you.

The truth is, the longer you stay involved with someone who is not good for you, not intended for you, or belongs to someone else, the worse you feel about yourself. You begin to condemn yourself for being in the situation. You harshly judge yourself and begin to wonder if maybe you deserve to be in dysfunctional relationships since you don't seem to know how to change or stay away. You begin to accept the conditions you find yourself in as if they are normal. The longer you stay you start to forget how much of a prize you are. Intellect, beauty, talent – you don't seem to have any. You wonder what happened to it because you had so much potential years ago. You wonder if your life will ever get better.

Too often we give our emotions the power to control our lives. Try observing your emotions without reacting to them. If you are feeling very emotional about something, sit quietly and do nothing. Silently experience the feeling of sadness, anger or happiness. Close your eyes, breathe and watch those emotions rise and fall. Open your eyes. You are still alive! You didn't explode or fade away. You are still here. Our emotions can sometimes give us this urgency that we misinterpret. Emotions are part of life; they can be enjoyable and even helpful as flags that signal us to be cautious, but too often we allow them to drive our actions and reactions without pausing for thought and prayer.

The only thing stopping you from leaving is you. There may come a day when you fully realize this. Most people seem to have a breaking point, but hopefully you can speed up your own process by knowing that you are hurting yourself by prolonging the goodbye. The problem is that being with the person has become a habit. It is now part of your routine and you know that something will feel like it is missing if you leave. That may be true, but what you have to gain by walking away and reclaiming your life will far outweigh whatever it is you think you will miss.

We fear feeling the pain of separation but don't realize that fear is the worst part of the process. Pushing past the fear may be the most difficult step and once you have done it, healing can begin. You may experience a temporary feeling of loss. You have grown accustomed to the relationship and all that it added or subtracted from your life. You may wonder how you will fill the gaps left by the missing person. You may sometimes think you made a mistake in letting them go because you momentarily forgot about how unhappy you were in that jail cell.

This is the part where you need to pray. Acknowledge that you need help and ask God for it. Why lay around for days, weeks or months depressed and miserable over a relationship that was no good for you to begin with? Pray and ask God to give you the strength to never look back and ask Him to take the pain away. Ask Him to fill the voids in your life and give you the help, guidance and support that you need. I have prayed this and God never failed me. He sent all the help I needed not to continue the patterns of brokenness and not to linger in sadness. Since God is no respecter of persons, I know He will do the same for you. Just ask.

After you pray, walk away. Just walk away from the relationship and keep it moving. Take all the necessary steps to remove this person from your life. I wrote about this earlier in The Naked Wolf posting – delete his information, delete the photos, ignore the calls and get authorities involved if he won't respect your wishes to cease contact. It gets easier to separate yourself from the moment you commit to doing it. The Lord will help with the rest if you ask Him. Don't allow your emotions or the other person's emotions for that matter to push you around. You deserve peace, happiness and a full life, now go ahead and claim it!

I also encourage you to seek support. Do not isolate yourself; rather look for resources that will build you up. An excellent resource that changed my life is The Plural Thing.com. Membership is free but the experience is priceless. ;-) For other information related to this blog post, click here: Soul Ties: An In-Depth Look

Beautiful

2009-05-06T00:16:00.003-04:00

Do you know how beautiful you are? The light in your eyes and the brightness of your smile warm the coldest night. Your bold features are painted on the lovely canvas of your sun-kissed skin. Your hands are golden as if everything you touch will become the same. Your body was sculpted from a mountain; you stand from a position of authority and strength. Peace and humility rest on your shoulders like morning dew, evidence of time spent praying with Him in the garden.

How precious you are! If you saw what I see you would never doubt it again. You would never let them treat you that way if you knew what I know. You would never accept less than God’s best if you felt what I feel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have accomplished much and there is so much yet for you to do. Do not look to the left or to the right. I did not create you to be like them. You are one of a kind, uniquely beautiful by My standards and nothing could ever take that away. Look at yourself. Those eyes, that nose, those lips, that hair - Beautiful. Look deeper. That mind, that heart, that soul, all thirsty for more of Me - Beautiful. I love you in every way. I cherish every part of you. All I want to do is be with you. Come with me into the garden, Beautiful. You are so precious, My Love.

Arise

2009-04-14T01:19:00.003-04:00

This morning I thought about how we celebrated Resurrection Sunday and the awesome sacrifice that Jesus made just so that we could have a personal relationship with Father God. Then I was overwhelmed with happiness as I began to think of how my life has changed since I entered into a closer relationship with the Lord.

I thought about how even though I have always loved God, I never trusted Him enough to be fully in charge of my life. I always tried to do things my way. I learned to trust Him with my finances, with my health and the health of my child. It was easy to pray and seek Him on those things. I saw those matters as beyond my control, therefore I had to put it in His hands. However, concerning relationships, I somehow thought I knew what was best for me.

Since I would not surrender that area of my life to the Lord, those relationships became my god. I served my desire for love and companionship and deceived myself by believing that God's way was too hard and too lonely. Of course any time you try to replace Him with someone or something else, you will never succeed. You may look outwardly successful. You may have a beautiful-looking family or be part of a fabulous couple, and all the while you are dying on the inside because none of what you are doing is honoring God and you are killing your spirit in the process. That was me. My god (relationships) betrayed me again and again and left me feeling used.

I am so thankful that God never gave up on me. He waited patiently for me to realize what He had been showing me all along: that His grace is sufficient for me! He has a wonderful plan for my life! His banner over me is Love! I need not search for what comes overflowing from the heart of the Lord. All I had to do was surrender to Him.

I shared that I always thought it would be too difficult to change my lifestyle to fit God's plan. I thought I would always be an outsider in His family because I couldn't get it right. I had desires and I felt that God should understand since He created me. What I learned is that He does understand but He loves us enough to want us to break free from bondage to our emotions and physical bodies.

I reached a point where I was really sick of some of the patterns in my life. I knew that those patterns were a result of the choices that I had continued to make (hardheaded!). I had been delivered before, I knew better, but I chose to go back to that familiar, yet destructive pattern again and again. The day came where I had enough. I said "Lord, my way is obviously not working so I'm not doing this anymore."

I didn't just apologize to God for ignoring His guidance, I repented. I cried out to Him and asked Him to change my life for good. I told Him that I wanted to live according to His Word and not according to what I wanted. Now I am satisfied in Him. I did not have to struggle to give up the things that used to control me. Once He had a sincere "Yes" from me, He quietly took those harmful desires away. I am no longer a slave to sin because the Son has set me free, and I am "free indeed!"

This does not mean that I no longer have desires. It means my emotions and desires no longer drive me. He is all that I need because every good and perfect thing comes from the Lord. He not only gives me what I need, He fulfills my joy.

With the emotional distractions out of the way, I am free to grow as I press in closer and closer to the Lord. Now God is working on my mind, reforming thought patterns, removing negativity and replacing it all with the hope of the awesome destiny that He has laid out for me. He is allowing me to learn all about His nature and personality. He is showing me the plan that He has for my life.

I am so grateful that Jesus died for our sins and went down into the grave taking our sickness and bondage with Him. I am even more grateful that He got up and arose on the third day that we might rise with Him and live victoriously. Often when Jesus healed someone or raised them from the dead, the first word He would say to them after their deliverance was "Arise." Seek healing for that addiction or difficult area in your life, He will surely deliver you. Arise and move forward!

"Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light." Ephesians 5:14 (NKJV)

Legacy: What Will it Be?

2009-04-06T00:06:00.008-04:00

Farrad L. Harding

June 5, 1979 – April 6, 2007

On this day two years ago, our family lost someone who was very special to us. Farrad Harding unexpectedly passed away at the age of 27 leaving behind many people who love and miss him. He also left a rich legacy in spite of his brief time here. He was known for being a visionary and goal-setter. He accomplished his goals with careful planning and helped those around him do the same. He was a loving son, brother, uncle and fiancée. He also established a company that is still alive today through the talent and creativity of those who were closest to him.

Thinking about special people such as Farrad who have such a lasting impression causes me to ponder the legacy that I am creating while I am here. I recently wrote a brief note on Facebook about living a life of love. I mentioned my cousin, Dorothy "Bunny" Madden, who passed away several years ago. So many people testified of her love and kindness at her home-going service that I determined I wanted to leave a legacy of love when I pass on one day.

What I have learned recently is that it is impossible to fully live a life of love without understanding the Love of Father God. How can I pass on to someone else what I have not fully accepted and received for myself? There were times when I judged myself for past mistakes and thought that I had derailed my entire destiny. How could God use someone as hard-headed as I am? I had to learn that God's love doesn't work that way.

His Love remains unchanged, no matter how badly we think we screwed up. His Love for us is perfect in every way. He sees us and embraces us as we are. His desire is for us to be happy and whole. Once we understand His Love, we are free from fear of judgment and rejection and free to grow and become who we were created to be. Once I understood how much He really does love me, I was free to continue on the journey towards my purpose.

However, I had more lessons to learn about love. I thought I knew how to really love someone until I was presented with the challenge of loving people who were not able to reciprocate my love in the manner that I expected. Under these circumstances I had to learn to put my emotions and perceived hurt feelings aside in order to continue loving. Although these were hard lessons at times, I know now that God was teaching me what it meant to truly love someone unconditionally. It is so amazing how God teaches because He is so thorough.

For my lessons in unconditional love, He chose individuals who held such a special place in my heart that I would not be able to turn my back on them the way I had done with others in my life. I was forced to face the vulnerability, the fear of being hurt and all the 'unknowns' that go along with it. I was instructed to be patient, to stop responding in anger, not to pass judgment, to pray and to wait for the day when their hearts would be open and receptive to rebuilding the relationship. I had to release my desire to control the outcomes in these situations. I had to leave it in God's hands while I did my part of simply loving and remaining open.

I am thankful for these lessons. I know that I could not build a legacy of love without learning how to love in its truest form. What is the legacy that you desire to leave for others? What do you want people to remember you for when you are absent from them? Does your life currently reflect that image?

One thing that drives me is the reality that "tomorrow is not promised." I am thankful for each new day that I am blessed with because it is yet another opportunity for me to experience and share God's love. Being mindful of how precious time is aids in maintaining a focus on what is really important. I encourage you to use each day, each available moment that you have, to walk out your destiny on this earth and build a legacy that will be a blessing for generations to come.

Train to Win

2009-03-23T23:09:00.002-04:00

I often have vivid dreams that I pay close attention to and receive as guidance from God. Sometimes my dreams literally come true or predict future events, sometimes they contain symbols that once interpreted provide me with answers to questions or reveal other information that I need.

This evening I dozed off while my body tried to recuperate from staying up too late with my friends this past weekend. I dreamt that I hired a trainer and began going to my training sessions. While there, I noticed there were other groups of people training but their routines seemed ridiculous. They were going around in huddles punching at the air and pretty much looked like clowns. I was glad I wasn't part of their training camp. I was excited about getting started and couldn't wait for my trainer to start whipping me into shape. However, my trainer seemed more interested in socializing with the other trainers. In each session, he told me to run a lap. I thought ok, this is just a warm-up. But when I would return from running the lap, my trainer would be packed up, ready to leave and walk me out of the facility. I was confused as I gathered my things and left. After the second session of this, I woke up.

When I have dreams like this I often take key words from the dream and look them up in the Bible to discover what God may be saying to me. Here is one scripture I found in reference to this dream:

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (New Living Translation)

²⁴ Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.

It seems that my dream was an illustration of this scripture. I wanted to train for the purpose of becoming fit and in top shape. However, my trainer and everyone else present just seemed to be posing. They were not taking their training seriously and were enjoying the image of being a jock without actually putting in the work. What stands out the most to me in the scripture reference is, "I run with purpose in every step." I have a destiny and purpose to fulfill so I cannot look to the example of others who are not pressing towards the goal as I am. I cannot expect someone to help push me toward the goal if they are not as passionate about winning as I am! In this important season of preparation, I must be extremely careful regarding who I receive instruction from. If their guidance is not in line with what I know God has shown me, I must be alert enough to recognize that.

When I woke up this evening, I was disappointed that I wasted two sessions with the trainer in my dream. Why did I not question what was being done with the time and money that I invested? Where was the service that I was paying for? Where do I invest my time, energy and resources today that does not contribute toward my destiny? Who am I allowing to waste my time?

What is also interesting about the dream is that I was paying attention to what the other training camps were doing and judged them in my mind because they looked foolish. Of course while I was laughing at them, I ended up looking just as foolish - running one lap and calling it quits for the day. I was accomplishing just as much in my training as they were! Perhaps if I was not so concerned with what they were doing, I would have noticed that my training regiment was not what it should have been and would have made adjustments sooner.

I was not as focused on my own race as I should have been. You cannot run with purpose if you do not know what your purpose is. And how can every step be full of purpose if you are not mindful of it and focused on the goal? It is important to have mentors and accountability but you must also have a clear vision for yourself. Your destiny is unique; therefore your journey to get there will be unique as well.

Just yesterday I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the things I feel need to be accomplished and I needed some instruction. I asked the Lord to help me prioritize the activities that are centered on my writing. I asked Him to show me where to focus my time, when and for how long. What is important for me to work on right now? What must I complete first? I believe this dream was a reminder for me to stay focused on the prize and make sure my activities are working towards the same goal. My days are more productive when my thoughts are focused on my destiny rather than on the minor annoyances or distractions of the day.

I thank God for the people around me who continuously challenge me to be better. I pray that I will not be distracted by any counsel that will try to come in as a distraction. I pray that I will not compare myself to others but I will be focused on what I should be doing. No shadowboxing here, I am training with purpose!

What Are You Willing to Give Up?

2009-03-16T01:00:00.002-04:00

What would you like to change about your life? Is it your job, relationship, finances, general happiness and/or satisfaction? Desire for change is also an indication that you desire personal growth; however that desire is not enough to make it happen. How much do you really want it? If the object of your desire is truly important then it is time to consider what you are willing to sacrifice to get it.

I know; sacrifice is an ugly word. For example, when someone wants to lose weight, the word diet always comes up. I personally cringe at that word, because somehow I have associated it with eating things that taste like dirt and giving up all the things that keep my taste buds happy. However, dieting does not truly mean consuming only wheat grass and forgetting what good food tastes like. It means practicing a more healthy way of eating. Somehow we focus on the negatives when it comes to giving up things we don't need rather than focus on the positives of what we could gain by giving up those things.

Sometimes we overlook obvious things that block us from receiving the things we really want. We say we want to lose weight but we don't stop eating those five cookies every day. We say we hate our job but we don't seek a new one or improve our skills to give us more leverage in the marketplace. We say we need new clothes but we hold on to the old ones forever, even items we haven't worn in years. We say we are tired of having the same problems in relationships but we don't stop dating the same wrong people. We say we are bored but won't give up our same old routine. We say we want to live the best life we can but we hold onto our fears and live vicariously through others.

It is hard to give up these things because they are comfortable and familiar. To give them up would be to lose a security blanket and risk feeling and experiencing something new, something we may not always enjoy. It is like that dead-end relationship – you want to leave but you aren't quite sure what you would end up with if you did. You don't want to be alone, so you stay where you are already unhappy but comfortable. Sometimes we say we want to have better relationships or we are tired of going through the same things with people but we hold onto pride and refuse to forgive. Sometimes you have to let go of those hurt feelings in order to experience peace and happiness. While we harbor resentment for perceived offenses, the people who have hurt us are living their lives.

You deserve the best that life has to offer. What are you willing to give up in order to receive it? Will you give up those secret friendships to save your marriage? Will you give up time sitting on the couch to engage in more healthy activities (I am preaching to myself on this)? Will you release your fears and take steps towards making your dreams reality? Give up those things that you don't need because they are weighing you down. Make room for the blessings to come in.

I am a witness that there is a great blessing in sacrifice. When you give up the old to embrace the new you open pathways to greater growth, happiness and success. There were times when I needed clothes but did not have the money to buy new things. I prayed and gave away some things that other people could use. Within days, I would receive a phone call that a friend had clothes for me. Bags and bags of clothes. With tags still on them! Designer labels! This happened several times and with other items like food and money. Many people are going through hard times right now because of the current economy, but I guarantee if they find a way to help someone else, that likewise, they will be blessed with the things they need.

Last year, I let go of some major distractions. This year I have received one opportunity after another to do things that I am passionate about. I have learned that letting go also means positioning yourself and getting in line for the good stuff. I also gave my life back to God because I know He can do far more with it than I can. This is the best decision I have ever made.

What are you willing to give up in order to gain a better life?

How’s Your Posture?

2009-03-02T22:12:00.004-05:00

When I was a little girl, I remember my mother telling me how important it is to sit up straight and have proper posture. I think she threw in images of hunch-backed old ladies for emphasis, to make sure her warnings stuck. As I grew, I remember older women complimenting me on how graceful I was and how I sat up so nicely, never slouching. Lately, I have been reminding myself to sit up straight again after noticing how terrible my posture has become. I think leaning over my laptop for hours on end has caused me to become a bit slack, and I don't want to lose any inches off my already short 5'2" frame!

This recent check on my posture reminded me of a time in my life where I slouched for an entirely different reason. During my late teens until I was about 21 years old, I was involved with an obsessively jealous and abusive "man." I use the word man loosely because there is nothing manly about hitting a woman. However, this person constantly accused me of looking at other men and trying to get their attention. After awhile, in my desire to avoid the arguments, accusations and sometimes violence, I started to walk around with my head down to the ground. If I'm looking at the ground, I cannot be accused of making eye contact with anybody right? I was already a quiet person, but I learned to become absolutely invisible as a result of being with this person.

The day came where I was strong enough to leave the abusive situation and never look back, however there was still a residue of the relationship on me. In new relationships I would bend over backwards to prove how trustworthy I was. I still tried my best not to draw any attention to myself while out in public. I walked with my head down at times, as if being attractive was something to be ashamed of.

At the same time, I was growing mentally and spiritually and returning to the image of who I was created to be. This began to radiate from the inside and contradict my outward behavior. I had to check myself: "Rachel, why are you hiding? Why are you afraid to show the world who you really are?" The truth was, I really liked myself, but the nasty words and put-downs from my prior relationship were still very much a part of me.

With this realization began my metamorphosis. I determined to be me, all day every day. If that meant laughing out loud because something was really funny, I did it. If it meant becoming active in different organizations that forced me into the spotlight at times, I did it. I learned how to walk tall and straight again and I feel like I am growing ever taller – inwardly, of course. Outwardly, I can only grow with the help of 3-4 inch heels. Thank God for stilettos!

There were some people who came across my path who much like the abuser did not appreciate me walking tall. They tried to put me "in my place" but they were a bit late. I had gotten in touch with who I really was and was enjoying it too much for someone to send me back into a box. Now, if someone tried to falsely accuse me of something or call me out of my name, I know they could not possibly be talking to me.

I wish I could remember where I heard this because it always stuck with me. The person said, "If someone called you a chair, would you respond?" Of course, the answer is 'no'. So likewise, if someone called you anything other than what you are, why should it register as truth? Why allow someone to speak lies and negativity in your life? Why allow your behavior to reflect someone else's insecurity? Be yourself, the unique, beautiful creature that God made you to be. Your real friends, the people who truly love you, will celebrate with you. The others will fall to the side.

How is your posture today?

Who’s to Blame?

2009-02-27T00:08:00.002-05:00

When a relationship ends, especially if you are the one ending it, it is very easy to blame the other person for everything that went wrong. In fact, the worse that person screwed up, the better you can feel about moving on. Almost every time I ended a relationship, I had very little sympathy for the ex because I thought, 'he didn't deserve me anyway.' I always said if the person truly cared, they would have done what it takes to keep me in their life. They would have learned how to love me; they would have spent more time, paid more attention, become honest, faithful or whatever the case was. If the person seemed upset by my departure I viewed it as crocodile tears. I thought, "Don't cry now, when I needed you, you were not interested." I know it sounds cold, but that was truly how I saw it. Then I started looking at those breakups and for the first time considered that it may have been just as rough or even worse for some of those people as it was for me. I considered that even though those people may have hurt me, their hurt feelings were valid as well.

I saw the role I played in the pain of those I walked away from, and I realized I needed to be more responsible in my approach to relationships. In the past, I allowed my curiosity to lead me. If a man showed interest and had a combination of qualities that I liked, I wanted to investigate and find out if there was possibility of something real. In my eagerness to love and be loved, the relationship usually moved forward and the man would magically bring up the topic of marriage to show that he wanted to have a future with me. Several times, I went with the flow even with major warning signs popping up all over the place telling me that the man was not marriage material – at least not for me.

I know that it is not that easy to walk away from a decent relationship once you have invested a lot of time and energy. You doubt yourself because you know other women would probably love to be in your position, but at the same time, you realize you are going through the motions of being in a happy relationship. I have learned that no matter how good a man is that does not mean he is the one for me. In fact, a relationship with him could very well turn into a personal hell. I discovered that I was just as responsible for those breakups as the men who did not live up to my expectations. I was wrong because I expected those men to be someone they could never be.

I believe there is a man who is capable of truly loving me and willing to receive all the love I have to give. For most of my life, I have not been patient enough to wait for him. I tried to find him in the eyes of substitutes who could not even understand who I was, let alone love me. There were times when I overlooked major differences that would make it impossible for a relationship to survive. How can I expect another man to embrace my child when he is lost with his own child? How can I expect him to understand the importance of family when he is used to only looking out for himself? How can I expect him to celebrate with me when he is competing with me? How can I expect to have a Christian household when I'm involved with someone who does not acknowledge God?

Too often I let go of standards that I needed to uphold. There were times when I felt a warning in my spirit but I ignored it because I wanted to explore the possibilities. I do not have any regrets, but I admit I could have made better choices. I made a decision not to enter another committed relationship with someone whose standards and goals are not in harmony with mine. If we are not walking along the same path, how can we walk together? I do not have another minute to waste in building something that is doomed from the start. So I will be led by the spirit when it comes to my relationships. This is a surprisingly liberating feeling. My eyes are open, I'm listening for the voice of my Father and there is no need to even entertain certain people because I have already heard the "no" before they even started talking.

Years ago, I heard messages like this taught in Christian youth conferences dealing with dating and abstinence. They would tell us to save ourselves; otherwise we were cheating on our future mate. I thought, "how can you be faithful to someone you don't even know?" Now, I understand and I feel like I am learning a new lesson in fidelity. There are times when I wish for companionship and I know I could pick up the phone and call whoever, but I choose not to do that. To do that would be just as irresponsible as that trail of broken hearts that is already behind me. I know there is no future with him, so to date him would be like using him or leading him on. While I'm out with him I could miss an opportunity to be with my soul mate. That's not an opportunity I am willing to miss.

Public Acceptance of Domestic Violence vs. the Responsibility of Parents

2009-02-18T21:55:00.003-05:00

Sometimes my love for reading various online news and blog sites is more of a curse than a blessing. Since I like to study the actions and reactions of people, I usually cannot resist reading the responses posted underneath the articles. My most recent disappointment from this activity is due to many of the responses to the Chris Brown/Rihanna tragedy. I cannot believe how many comments I have read suggesting that Rihanna did something to provoke the "alleged" beating she received; that she somehow deserved it or that what happened wasn't that serious. It hurt to see the posting of a parent who said that young female students at her child's school were angry with Rihanna for "getting Chris Brown locked up."

I would like to know when it became publicly acceptable for a man to beat up a woman! Setting the record straight, I don't think a woman would be right in hitting a man either. I am praying and hoping that we will teach the younger generation better than to accept abuse in any form. Parents, please use current events as an opportunity to have these conversations with your child. My son is 6 years old. I know that children talk about things at school so I did not want to assume that he was too young to already know what was going on. I asked him if he knew about what happened and he and I had a conversation about it.

I do not condemn anybody. I believe that anyone can change with God and professional help. However, our children need to know that these situations are dangerous and should not be tolerated. There were other celebrities saying they hoped this couple would get back together. Wrong answer! So many violent relationships end in death, sometimes the murder of entire families. Have people already forgotten about Jennifer Hudson's family? Parents, again, I am pleading with you to counter what we see and hear in the media with the truth, otherwise these children will be lost. Let's model true love and show them a better way.

Reflection

2009-02-16T23:56:00.003-05:00

Ok, it’s time to take inventory. Think about your life as it is, right now today. How does it compare to your life at this point last year? How about three years ago? Go as far back as you like, but take note of any progress you have made in your life and stop.

Think about any improvements that exist in your life today compared to prior times and breathe a deep sigh of relief. Appreciate the beauty of your personal growth. Be happy about the blessings that you have received even in the most unlikely circumstances.

Close your eyes; envision your journey thus far and smile because you made it. Here you are, still thriving and climbing. Don’t you have something to be thankful for today? I know there are some goals that were not realized; there were some mistakes made and perhaps some setbacks along the way. It is good to be aware of those things.

Now, think again about the progress made on your journey. In spite of your weaknesses, in spite of your perceived setbacks, you are still better than you were yesterday. We are all works in progress. Breathe, smile and keep going.

Valentine Angels

2009-02-11T23:40:00.006-05:00

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite days of the year because my favorite topic, Love, takes center stage. Love occupies much of my thoughts every day of the year, but on Valentine's Day I am in complete and continuous thankfulness for all of the love that exists in my life.

There was a time in my life where I felt like I was unworthy of love. The real problem was that I had condemned myself. I held myself to certain standards and when I did not measure up, my outlook on life became more and more bleak. There were times when I would try to change, but not fully submitting to the process of change, I would once again feel like I had failed and wonder if I would ever truly be happy again.

However frustrated I was with my life, something kept happening that made it increasingly hard for me to believe that I was so unlovable. God would send people or cause things to happen to remind me that I was worthy of love. It seemed like people around me would pop up and do these random acts of kindness within days of each other like a heavenly setup to get rid of the dark cloud over my head. Even now that I am happier than I have ever been, I still experience surprises that make me feel like I am in the center of God's Hand. I don't think the people involved even know that they are doing the work of angels in direct answer to my prayers, but that's the beauty of Love.

I believe God is able to work miracles without human assistance, but in His tenderness, He uses human touch to show us that we are not alone in this world. It was enough to motivate me to submit to Love and let it transform my life. I still make mistakes, but I know that there is Someone whose love for me is perfect and unconditional. I never have to doubt again whether I am worthy of love. As Whitney Houston once sang, "I have the greatest Love of all inside of me."

My take on Valentine's Day, really any day of the year, is that there is always something to be thankful for. Let Valentine's Day be a celebration of the good in your life, not a measure of who really loves you because of how much money they spent. Do something kind for someone in the spirit of Love. You never know - you could be their answer to prayer.

Left to Go Right - A Dreamgirl Deferred

2009-02-06T20:13:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was watching the movie Dreamgirls for the umpteenth time, I couldn’t help but think about how useful Effie White’s story is. She had an awesome voice and a dream to make it as a singer but hated the work involved in getting there. She felt that singing background vocals was beneath her. Even as an amateur artist, she resisted taking a professional job singing behind the character Jimmy Early because she was too proud to do “oohs and aahs”. While I admire Effie’s confidence in her abilities, I know that because of her pride she ejected herself off the path to success because it did not resemble the plan she had envisioned.

When you have a dream with talent and ability to match, it can be discouraging when your plan doesn’t immediately take off and go from point A to point D. You get frustrated because of too much time spent at B and another detour at C. This is what happened to Effie. While I don’t condone much of the way the character Curtis conducted business, he did have knowledge of the music industry that Effie didn’t have. He used that knowledge to strategically position the Dreamettes for bigger and better opportunities - not without a benefit to himself, of course. When the time came for the girls to finally have their own act and Curtis made Deena the lead singer, Effie took it as a personal blow and a bitter betrayal. It is not hard to empathize with Effie because she was the more talented singer.

It is easy to dislike a world that favors image and appearance over ability. There isn’t much we can do to change the looks that we were born with, but we can fine-tune the God-given talents that we have. Were Effie’s feelings justified? Absolutely. However, Effie could have taken time to try to understand the decisions that were made concerning the group and how they could potentially help her. It seems that she tried to go along with the plan at first, but her heart was not in it. She was not able to be happy for Deena and the attention she was getting, because she felt that she was entitled to that attention.

Effie did not seem mature enough to handle the sacrifice that was necessary in order to pave the way for her own individual success. Had Effie saw the success of the group as a platform for her own career, she might have used her time with the group differently. She should have tried to learn as much as she could about the music industry so she could be wiser in decisions concerning her career. She could have collaborated with her brother to begin building more solo material so that she could hit the ground running when her time came. She could have invested her time with the group, used it to become a household name and given herself a deadline for when she planned to set out on her own. With a plan, she could have left the group on good terms and maintained her connections in the industry rather than burn bridges and disappear into isolation and poverty the way she did.

Instead of using wisdom and common sense, Effie left her emotions unchecked. Seething in jealousy, she began to destroy the very thing that held promise to carry her to her dream. How many times have you cursed something that was really a blessing in your life and designed to take you to the next level? I have experienced some things that I thought were setbacks at the time, but looking back I see how it was really a set up for something better than what I had in mind. The time we spend “paying our dues” is time where we learn things that will be valuable and help to sustain us when we achieve the level of success that we aspire to. The more challenges and tests of our character that we endure, the better we become.

How fitting is it that after the girls paid their dues singing backup they went from being Dreamettes to Dreams? From amateur teenage girls, they transformed into polished professionals with undeniable achievements. When Effie had her final chance to audition for a job, she began to see the merits in being humble and seemed to embrace the words of her song, “I am Changing.” Finally, opportunities began to manifest for Effie and her dreams also became a reality.

Like Effie, we experience disappointments and setbacks as we go through life. Sometimes we make choices that result in heartache along the way. However, we always have a choice to change our outlook on life and take responsibility for our own actions. It is not too late to learn from the past and begin living your dream.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

The Naked Wolf

2009-01-27T23:53:00.004-05:00

The thing about a wolf in sheep's clothing is that the clever disguise causes you to believe the wolf is a harmless sheep. Yet, something about this sheep is very odd and funny-looking. There are moments when the sheep's true wolf nature comes out and you do a double-take, thinking "did he just do what I think he just did?" You shrug it off, because just as quickly as you doubted him, he reassumes a sweet sheep form.

Men who prey on women as wolves in sheep clothing are often very skilled at what they do. They are very knowledgeable about what women like. They know how to turn on the charm and they know how to make you forget about whatever bad thing they might have done. Their game would not be effective if they had never studied their subject.

This man may approach you as if he has the best of intentions, but all the while he is just looking to add you to his collection for whatever purpose he believes you will serve. He tells you everything you want to hear, he makes you believe that you are special to him and that you may just be the One, even if he's only known you for a few days. Everything seems lovely at first, but after while, once you have professed your love to this man and proven your loyalty to him, you notice little changes in his behavior. Suddenly days or nights go by where you do not hear from him and you cannot reach him, when before you heard from him every day and night. You notice that he now turns his phone off some nights. Perhaps his temper flares up sometimes and he calls you names or becomes violent. You begin to panic because you love this man but he suddenly does not seem to be who you thought he was.

The confusing thing is that he always has an explanation ready for everything that happens and makes you feel somewhat guilty for doubting him in the first place. Since your wolf has also had a troubled childhood and adulthood, you feel even worse for accusing him because he has already been through so much. You are supposed to be the one woman on this earth who understands and supports him! Inside, you feel unsettled, but you accept his words because you want to believe him. You don't want to be wrong about the man you have given your heart to.

This pattern continues until you begin to notice that you have more questions than answers concerning your man. You also notice the bad times are starting to outweigh the good times. You feel physically and emotionally drained. You look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself because you are so stressed and tired. The world may think you are happy but you look yourself in the eye and you know that you are not happy. You begin to feel like you need to leave this man but it almost hurts too much to think about. You try to talk to him about it and suggest that maybe the two of you need some space. He may be dramatic and fight you on it, or he may agree while laying a healthy guilt trip about people in his life abandoning him and misunderstanding him. Whatever the case is, you start to feel a little better just for gaining the tiniest bit of freedom from this man.

Think about the peace that you feel when you think about no longer having to worry about the wolf who has been lying to you and mistreating you. This is the peace you must fight to maintain in your life. You must trust that you will survive without having this man to love. You must trust that God will send somebody better to share your love with you. You must trust yourself and love yourself. The wolf will not go away easily because you served a purpose in his life. He has no intentions of changing; he just wants to win you back over so you can continue playing the role he has for you. No man who truly loves you will repeatedly put you through hurt and pain, see your tears and still refuse to change. So you must turn your back on this wolf.

There will be moments when you will remember something he did and you will have second thoughts – those special dinners he prepared just for you, the gifts, the places you went or the sweet things he said. However, those memories are a trick to keep you stuck in a place that is killing you slowly. Stay focused on the many times he mistreated you and then somehow blamed you for it. Think about the tears you have cried and the days you didn't even want to get out of bed because you were so upset. This is no way to live.

Turn your back on that wolf. Delete him. Delete all of his contact information. Delete his pictures. Get rid of his stuff. Do not contact him. Ignore him if he contacts you. If he will not leave you alone, get your local police involved. Your life, your happiness, your peace depends on your determination to get rid of the wolf. Get some support from friends, family or a professional. Tell someone whom you trust what you are going through. Often the only reason these situations last for as long as they do is because they are happening in secret. You spend so much time covering for the man you love that no one knows the pain that you are dealing with. Well, God knows, and He wants you to live a better life.

I did not plan to write about this today, but someone out there needs to read this right now, at this point in time. God loves you. If you want to talk, please feel free to email me at difficultwoman@silkcafe.net or message me on MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/silkcafe11

To the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

2009-01-15T23:57:00.004-05:00

My love has been crafted by my Father in Heaven.

My love does not make me weak or naïve.

My love is not permission for you to disrespect or abuse me.

My love does not make me blind to your attempts to manipulate.

My love does not make me a place to dump your emotional baggage.

My love does not mean I am supposed to take the blame for your issues.

My love is not for you.

“When Someone Shows You Who They Are…”

2009-01-14T00:33:00.004-05:00

Sometimes it is necessary to review our relationships and determine if they add or subtract from our quality of life. How many times have you encountered someone whose actions did not match their words? No matter how many empty promises they speak, their actions give away their true intentions. Have you ever explained to someone close to you how their actions negatively affect you and they still never bother to change? Why do we feel obligated to keep these people in our lives? With so much love available to us, how do we allow anyone to treat us in any other way?

One lesson I am evidently still learning, is that people treat you the way you allow them to. Sometimes we tolerate abuse because it is coming from our mother, father, brother, auntie or best friend from kindergarten because we feel we are bound to them for life. We tell ourselves we love them and there is nothing we can do to change them so we just accept it. While it is true that we cannot change other people, we do not have to accept anyone's disrespect of our feelings, no matter who they are.

I definitely believe that those who come into our lives are not all there for the same purpose and season. There are people in my life with whom I share unconditional love. Some of these relationships have been tested by real challenges and no matter how bad it was at the time, my love for the other person was never shaken and it was clear that their love for me was still strong. Another indication of the longevity of these relationships is that the stormy season was brief and any harm done was never persistent or intentional. People sometimes go through things in life that cause them to act out of character and strain the relationships they have with people around them. However, love covers imperfections and has plenty of forgiveness.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have had others in my life who may have meant well somewhere deep down inside, but their thoughts and actions towards me seemed to come from a shallow place. They were not careful in their treatment of me, they intentionally used words to hurt me when it was convenient for them or they showed a blatant disregard for my feelings. It is amazing how sometimes the people who claim they have so much love for you can be the same who show no consideration for your heart!

Whether a lifetime or a seasonal friend, someone can only give you what you will continue to take from them. If someone repeatedly lies and breaks promises and you still hang around to find out when they will do it again, you have given them full permission to keep doing it. If a person has proven time and time again that your feelings are unimportant to them and you sense their time in your life has run its course, move on! Sometimes we have to forgive and keep it moving. This can be hard when you truly love or care for someone who is unable to return your love. However, if this person is a lifelong friend, they will get their act together and return to you without the abusive behavior. We cannot change people, but we can modify our own response to their behavior in order to achieve peace.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
-- Maya Angelou

Note: I am excited about true friends I lost touch with who have recently come back into my life as well as the new friendships that God is blessing me with.

Every day I thank God for those of you who love me unconditionally. Did you know that your picture is next to the word "Love" in the dictionary? Thank you! I am so happy we have each other.

“Watch Me Work It Out”

2008-12-30T23:18:00.004-05:00

I began writing this over the weekend with the intent of keeping it to myself, but I believe that this is a message that others may be encouraged by, going into a new year. I recognize that this is a time of transition for the world, this country and even for people as individuals. Lately, I have been experiencing a nagging feeling of unrest about my life’s purpose and destiny. I began feeling anxious, like I needed to be busy doing something more and I began to ask God why I felt that way and what I should do next. Just as I was crying out to Him for guidance, saying what about this, what about that, I heard Him say, “Watch Me work it out.” Immediately, with that simple phrase, I was reminded of how blessed I am, and I felt so humbled because, yes, He obviously has been working things out for me the whole time, as I have seen time and time again.

I have recently been reading and reflecting on the story of Ruth and Boaz in the Bible. When Ruth’s husband died, she chose to stay close by her mother-in-law, Naomi’s side rather than seek a new husband and life for herself. When they returned to Naomi’s homeland, Ruth went to work picking up the leftover grain in a field that happened to belong to a relative of Naomi. Naomi told Ruth that the owner of the field, Boaz, was her relative and he would “redeem her” (the custom of their day). She told Ruth to go and lay at his feet and that he would take care of everything. Ruth did what she was told and immediately the man, Boaz began setting things in order and married Ruth. With this story, the Lord was showing me the simplicity in submitting and trusting Him.

I am learning that just because I have a vision of the future, it does not mean I need to worry about the details of today and how I am going to make it happen. He said, “Just lay at My feet, and watch Me work it out.” This does not mean that I am lying dormant; it means that I am laying down my will and my agenda and submitting to the process in preparation for what He has for me. There is no need for me to rush past this phase or try to accelerate the process. There is something I need to learn here, so I will submit to the lesson. This requires a measure of trust that God knows what is best and that even though I want what I want, I need what He wants for me.

I know from experience that it is not always easy to trust, but I am thankful to have received this message as I enter a new year and a new season. Lord, I trust You to work out the details of my life. I will not try to control out of fear, and if I do slip up and begin to worry, I will hear your gentle reminder that You are working it out.

Live In Today

2008-12-15T22:02:00.007-05:00

Today at lunchtime I picked up an old book that impacted my life several years ago, titled "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer. This book discusses self-destructive patterns such as guilt and worry, which Dyer states are the biggest time wasters in the world. Quite simply, Dyer explains that guilt is time spent thinking about what happened in the past which cannot be changed; and worry is time spent focusing on events that have not yet happened and cannot be controlled. Dyer encourages his readers to live for today instead of focusing all that energy on yesterday and tomorrow.

After reviewing the chapter I took an inventory of any areas of guilt I was holding onto. While I certainly found some things to address, I realized that the work I have been doing in forgiving myself for the past and accepting God's image of who I am has worked well in erasing guilt. Not only is guilt a waste of time, it is also something that destroys a healthy view of self. Instead of seeing the good you see damaged goods. Making mistakes are a part of life, so it is much better to accept that and move on. I determine to learn something from each perceived failure. If I feel guilty about something that happened with another person, then I take steps to amend the situation, but no matter the outcome, I know I must forgive myself so that I can move on from the guilt.

I also reviewed where I stand with worry after reading. I know that my tendency to analyze situations from all angles sometimes leads me down the path of worry and stress. To combat this, I review the situations in my life that seemed terrible at the time but turned around for good. Not once did my worrying do anything to fix the situation! I have learned that stressful situations become easier to deal with if I take the steps I am able to take today and have faith that the rest will work out tomorrow.

Raising The Bar

2008-12-07T23:30:00.006-05:00

Today I recalled a time when I was much younger and working as a temp at a place where I envisioned myself getting hired and eventually becoming part of management. There was a slight problem though. At that point in my life, I was very quiet and reserved, and no one at the job really knew who I was, certainly no one with the authority to hire me other than my direct supervisor. Since there were so many temps competing for so few jobs, I would need more backup than one manager. I needed a plan. I noticed something I frequently heard at work was people telling me to smile, or jokingly saying I looked mean. At first I felt the comments were silly because my natural expression happens to look like I am frowning. But when faced with this dilemma of wanting to get hired, I realized that my quietness plus the perception that I am frowning could make me appear unapproachable.

With this realization, I decided to start smiling and greeting everyone I saw. Then I was moved into a big empty room that would eventually be filled with new people. I was often sitting in there by myself, and whenever someone came in, I tried to smile and speak to them. One day a high-ranking executive in the company entered the room and I greeted him. Later this executive complimented my smile and began talking with me. People began to put my name with my face, which is important when job candidates are being discussed and you want to be remembered. In a short time, I was hired and then promoted every year until I became a manager.

I did not reach management based on my smile alone, but by raising the bar on my expectations, I realized I had to raise the bar on my behavior also. My smile along with the quality of my work helped me get in the door. Working on my communication skills, soliciting feedback and making adjustments based on the feedback received helped me reach my goal of becoming a manager. Now I have new personal goals that require additional behavioral adjustments on my part.

Sometimes it is easy to settle for less than what we actually deserve. We forget about our goals and desires and accept things in our lives that could interfere with the achievement of those goals. That is when it is important to take inventory. We must examine the areas of dissatisfaction and decide to take action to change those areas. If there are people in your life holding you back, it may be time to change those relationships. If you need a change at work it may be time to seek other opportunities and get feedback on how you can better use your skills. If there is something you personally want to achieve, what steps can you take towards achieving it? Raising the bar means expecting more from life and putting yourself in line to receive it.

Forgiving You, Forgiving Me

2008-12-02T22:03:00.004-05:00

Forgiving myself and others has always been extremely challenging, especially in matters of betrayal. My version of forgiveness would be to forget the person who hurt me even existed. Unfortunately, that doesn't work because these things have a way of coming back to haunt you. I would bury the thoughts of that person, but someone else would come along and push the exact buttons that triggered all the painful memories when I least expected it. Those memories would make me feel as if I was experiencing the situation all over again, until I was able to truly forgive and take the power away from those memories.

For hard tasks like this, I had to ask God to break forgiveness down to something I could understand. I would desperately want to forgive so that I could heal and move on, but my mind was stubbornly holding on to the facts and saying that I had a right to be angry and resentful. What I learned was that sometimes you have to put your emotions into submission by doing things that contradict what you are feeling. Now if I am having a hard time forgiving someone, I will try to pray for them, or take an opportunity to do something nice for them. This is extremely humbling and feels crazy at first, because you are basically giving up your right to be right. Sometimes it is still very hard to give up that feeling! However, in time, kind actions whip negative thoughts into shape.

I also learned what forgiveness feels like. Forgiveness is when you can think of that person who hurt you and barely even remember what it is they did that got you so upset. You no longer judge their actions, or take their actions as something personal against you. You are able to look at their behavior as symptoms of something else that was going on in their life, perhaps beyond their control that had nothing to do with you. Forgiveness is when you can look at a sequence of events in your life without feeling hurt or bitter, but appreciate those experiences as part of what has made you stronger and wiser.

You Found Love, How do you Keep It?

2008-11-20T22:20:00.004-05:00

In September I wrote a blog about "How to Find Love." However, as someone commented to me, the hard part usually isn't finding love, it's keeping it! One frustration I have observed is that people give 100% in the beginning while they are getting to know someone but once a commitment has been made it seems like one or both parties become comfortable and no longer do the things they did at the start. Why don't people realize that by doing things in the beginning of a relationship purely to impress the other person, they are setting up expectations that they will not be able to uphold later?

In the beginning people generally seem eager to please. They are generous with compliments, they point out all the things they appreciate, they want to spend all their free time with you, they are passionate about you and they do everything they can to show you how special you are to them. However, something seems to happen once commitments have been made and people get comfortable. The compliments are less frequent, and communication can even become empty or lacking. Once this becomes apparent, the other party begins to feel rejected and question what happened to the person they fell in love with. Consequently, once the rejected party becomes frustrated and repeatedly voices their concerns, the other person gets tired of their nagging and begins to wonder what happened to the happy person they fell in love with. Now, they both hate each other! Maybe they don't hate each other but they definitely struggle to like each other at times.

I often wonder why so many couples must go through this. Why do people think they no longer need to do the same things they did in the beginning to maintain a relationship? Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" and Lil Wayne's "Comfortable" are songs that illustrate my point. Once you begin to think you are irreplaceable, once you become too comfortable in your relationship that you no longer do the same things you once did to show your love, you run the risk of losing the person you worked so hard to win over. Your partner begins to feel unappreciated and unattractive to you. However, there are always other people willing to express their appreciation and attraction for your mate if you won't! The longer their needs go unmet, they may increasingly consider being content by themselves or finding someone who does appreciate what they have to offer.

I believe the key to avoid becoming replaceable is in being expressive. Think about how many ways you express your interest to someone that you really want to be with. You do things to attract that person and keep their attention. You show an interest in their day by asking questions and learning about the things that are important to them. You frequently tell that person how you feel about them so they know where they stand with you. You often let them know how beautiful, handsome or sexy they are to you. You make yourself available to that person for quality time. These expressions should remain frequent throughout the relationship and over time should become more meaningful as you learn more about each other and have more substance and experience to share with each other. You never know, the present moment could be the only moment you have left to express your love.

Celebrating Life and Lessons Learned

2008-11-17T23:44:00.001-05:00

Today is my birthday and this past year I took an in-depth look at myself, how I became who I am and what affects some of the important decisions that I make. Here are some things I learned:

It has been absolutely necessary to dig into my past to discover why I am who I am today.
Others around me may not understand the choices I make or the path that I'm on, but it is important to make decisions that come from my heart.
Sometimes situations do not turn out the way I expect them to, but that does not have to be negative if I choose not to see it that way. Every experience is valuable.
I realize that sometimes I have to re-evaluate my interactions with certain people and adjust my level of relationship with them accordingly.

What I wish for the coming year is to take time to build on these lessons through prayer and meditation. I would like to become expert at making decisions that are in line with my personal priorities, using them as a guideline for what I accept into my life. I also seek to improve all methods of my communication in order to become more effective in every area such as relationships, work and school. I thank God for all the love He has blessed me with and I pray that my faith will continue to grow each day.

Me, Myself and I

2008-11-08T21:14:00.011-05:00

Some of my most delicious moments in life have been spent during moments alone. While enjoying my own company I reflect on how I became the woman I am today and appreciate all the experiences that have contributed to who I am in this moment. I smile because I have learned so much about myself and have learned how to stand up for what I want. It doesn't matter when some have a problem with who I am because I love who I am, even with my crazy laugh, intense feelings, analytical mind, curiosity and desire to dig deeper in relationships – all qualities that I happen to appreciate about myself.

I feel the most lovely when I am able to sit alone and appreciate who I am. I smile at my goofiness, laugh at my silliness and admire something productive I have done. When alone, I can do the things that I really enjoy without worrying about being flexible for the sake of the group or accommodating someone else's desires. I read books that I love, look at pictures of treasured memories, listen to music that energizes me, watch movies that inspire me and just sit still and ponder whatever thoughts flow through my mind. It may seem so simple, but during moments like these I grow larger and stronger than I was and expand my vision of who I will become.

The Wrong Time to be Right: The Emotions of a Difficult Woman Part II

2008-10-16T00:42:00.005-04:00

Differences in communication between men and women can wreak havoc on a relationship if the people involved do not understand them. For example, my friend Tiffany was having a horrible day and chose to vent to her partner, David. She wanted David to listen and understand why that day was difficult for her. Instead, David told Tiffany that she could have responded differently to those situations, and pointed out possible errors in her analysis of what happened. Perhaps in an effort to protect her from her feelings, David told Tiffany that she shouldn’t allow those things to affect her. While David had the best of intentions, Tiffany felt he did not really hear the reasons why she was upset and he belittled her feelings by saying she should not be feeling them.

How could an argument be avoided in this situation? David should have first listened carefully for the reasons why Tiffany is upset and let her know he understood her feelings by talking about some of the points she made. At this point, Tiffany would have calmed down and even asked David for advice on how to deal with the situation. Once Tiffany’s need for communication is met and she is no longer highly emotional, David’s feedback will probably be welcomed and appreciated.

In contrast, men’s communication needs seem simpler. When a man is going through something he may need some space and time to process it quietly. If a woman initially shows her concern and support it is ok to back off without pressing him for details, because he will open up once he is ready to talk.

It seems that men and women are both emotional beings, we just often express and process our emotions in different ways. What methods do you have for navigating communication with your significant other?

"Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad." (Anne Geddes)

2008-10-08T00:50:00.009-04:00

As a single mother of a young son, I often think about how important fathers are to their children. I think their role is sometimes taken lightly because mothers do so much of the nurturing and physical care in the early years that men just automatically or traditionally fall into the role of a provider. However, I want to highlight for all fathers whether they are custodial parents or not, that children need more than their material support. I believe there truly is strength in numbers when a child has both parents supporting their development by providing physical, mental and emotional guidance. Children can learn a great deal from their father’s experience and perspective on life, which is unique from their mother’s. The child can understand more about themselves by having a relationship with both of their parents. Also, I believe that a child cannot ever have too much love from the important people in their lives. A father’s love and presence are extremely important to a child’s self-esteem and inner strength.

In cases where parents are no longer together, I see too many cases of women confusing their feelings concerning the relationship with their child’s father and his parenting ability. It may be unfortunate that the relationship did not work out, however that doesn’t mean the ex should not be part of the child’s life. It is time to put personal feelings aside and think about what’s best for the children. Accept that the relationship did not work out for whatever reason, but be open to the man remaining a part of the child’s life, because suddenly removing him will cause some emotional damage to the child, whether you want to think about it or not.

For the father who does not live with his children and truly has their best interests at heart, I believe he should do everything in his power to be a present force in their children’s lives, even if the mother tries to stand in his way. Parents have every right to be a part of their child’s life and barring neglect or abuse, no court will take away that right.

When parents make the effort to get along for the sake of their children, they create a loving and stable, even if not traditional, family.

Stepping Out of Reality to Focus on Your Dreams

2008-10-06T01:03:00.006-04:00

One day I was talking with my then five-year old son about what he wants to be when he grows up and he surprisingly asked me the same question. I laughed, but recognizing that I still had unaccomplished dreams and aspirations, I told him I wanted to be an author and write books. (Another dream of mine is to write and record songs). A few weeks went by and one evening as my son and I were arriving home, he asked me if I started writing yet. When I asked him what he meant, he said, “Remember when you said you wanted to be an author? Did you start writing yet? “

I was speechless for a moment because I had not written anything since I told him that and I was surprised he asked. My son had just handed me one of the best challenges of my life by expecting me to take steps towards doing what I really wanted to do. He did not have the preconceived notions or excuses like the ones I had been telling myself like: ‘I need more time, more money, more education or more experience.’ He just saw it as a matter of doing something about it.

When I considered his question, I realized that there was no reason why I should not be writing. What I learned from that exchange and from the examples of talented people in my life, is that by taking a large dream or goal and breaking it down into smaller goals that can be achieved short-term, I could immediately begin making my dream a reality.

This concept works for me because I am definitely part of the instant-gratification crowd. We are so used to express service and shortcuts that we sometimes lose respect for the principle of cause and effect. It can be easy to lose sight of the fact that nothing just happens; rather there are steps to making things happen. Today I may only be able to take small steps, but those efforts are still building towards the desired goal. As long as my efforts are coming from my heart, the perfect moment to begin is now.

"I Have A Secret..."

2008-09-30T09:54:00.007-04:00

Have you ever done something you were so ashamed of that you have never told anyone? Have you ever wanted help with a secret problem you were facing but felt like the situation was too personal to share?

A woman I recently met who I will call Sharon, described a time to me during which she was slowly destroying her life and she felt powerless to stop. She believed her husband did not care about her because she felt that he neglected her. Sharon allowed the pain of those feelings to drive her actions, such as the abortion of the child she was expecting and her subsequent, repeated, cheating. While she knew her actions were wrong, she imagined that they were justified because she felt alone in her marriage. In her frequent infidelity she found a release that felt good.

Eventually Sharon’s husband left her and she became a single mother. Reflecting on how she had been a church-going Christian all her life, Sharon felt ashamed and believed that if anyone knew what she had done they would be disappointed and would look down on her. She felt alienated everywhere she went because she was ashamed of her secret lifestyle. Feeling rejected and used at the end of each affair did not keep her from choosing to seek comfort in yet another man, for however long it lasted, shortly after each affair had concluded. She was troubled by her own actions, but she had grown dependent upon being with men for the refuge she thought it gave her. Sharon wanted to stop what she was doing, but she didn’t know how.

Sometimes people find themselves in situations where they are dependent on something that is destructive and don’t know how to break out of it, similar to substance abuse. It was not until after Sharon became involved with a man who physically threatened her that she realized how damaging her behavior had been and how she had almost put her child in a dangerous situation. This event caused Sharon to face her fears and seek help through counseling which in time empowered her to break the old patterns and create a new life for herself. The counselor helped Sharon discover and resolve the root issues that were causing her to go from relationship to relationship seeking love and comfort in the wrong places.

By speaking with someone who was impartial and exposing the areas in which she was having difficulty, Sharon removed the shame from the situation and re-assumed control of her life. Shame can paralyze its victims in several ways. It causes them to be very secretive and hide who they really are, and that in turn keeps them isolated from other people. Shame can do severe damage to a person’s self-esteem because it keeps them in constant judgment of themselves. Shame also strengthens a person’s dependency on destructive habits because it feels like a comfortable, familiar place to be in until consequences occur.

The truth is that most people have done some things that they are not exactly proud of, and many people have struggled with addictions or bad habits at some point in their life. If you are facing a difficult situation, or have a secret weighing heavy on your mind, I urge you to seek counseling from a licensed therapist or religious counselor. Once you take the power away from the shame and secrets that have been holding you back, you will be able to see how strong and beautiful you truly are.

"Excuse me, Miss"

2008-09-26T11:36:00.003-04:00

I have this debate going with one of my guy friends about how women like to be approached. Perhaps you can help me.

Ladies, you are at the mall with your arms full of shopping bags and you are sipping on a smoothie taking a break, or maybe you are walking down the street on a sunny day running some errands. If a man approaches you while you are out, what will impress you the most? Are his looks or his words more likely to catch your interest?

Would you prefer if the man started a conversation with you right there or would you prefer if he kept it short and sweet, gave you his information and kept it moving? Do you like to give out your contact information or would you prefer he just gave you his? What would make you want to know more about this man?

Men, what approach do you think is best?

Happiness is a Choice

2008-09-22T11:14:00.010-04:00

One obvious thing I have learned about life is that it doesn’t always go the way I planned. Challenges are sure to come and cause delay or difficulty every once in awhile. I used to think that having problems meant I was being punished for something I had done wrong and I had lost my right to be 'blessed'. I allowed situations to control my outlook on life. Now, I realize that having obstacles is not the worst thing because of what I have learned in the process.

By looking at the bigger picture, I understand that most problems are temporary and don’t cancel or change the reason why I am here. I learned that I have options when challenges come my way. I can choose to be completely miserable until the storm is over, or I can choose to focus on and be thankful for what is actually going right in my life. Thinking about those things such as family, friends, a home and means to provide for my family remind me that yes, I am blessed and I have plenty to be happy about.

The Quiet Approach to Problem-Solving

2008-09-22T11:13:00.001-04:00

I found another key to happiness in the way I approach problems. Through prayer and meditation you can figure out how to break a problem down into smaller pieces and determine what steps you can immediately take to begin fixing the problem.

What I do is first, take a ‘moment of silence’ to ask for guidance and quietly wait for it. As I wrote about before, I tend to be emotional so I usually need to take some deep breaths to calm down and help me clear my mind. Once I relax and quiet myself, I begin to receive guidance on how to approach the problem. The first steps may be as simple as making a phone call or rearranging my schedule but it does wonders in alleviating stress and making the situation more manageable.

What methods have you found helpful in solving problems or taking some of the stress out of a situation?

Can You be too Picky about Who You Date?

2008-09-17T17:45:00.007-04:00

What do you look for in a man or a woman?

I had a list of all the characteristics I wanted my man to have, thinking that if I was specific with my request, God would give me exactly what I wanted. We all know the phrase, “be careful what you ask for!” Well, I wanted him tall, dark, handsome, responsible, assertive, kind, loving, smart, funny and stylish in a clean-cut, corporate way. I was involved with men who had a variation of these characteristics until one day I was sure I found the One because he had every quality on the list. Guess what? He turned out to be a habitual liar who could not commit.

I tossed the list out the window. Actually I revised the list to include only the necessities. In my heart I knew that for me to be happy in a relationship, the man must be honest, faithful, loving and responsible. By shedding the outer image of who I thought my man would be, I stopped looking for an image and became open to someone who was real.

Different qualities are important for different people, so what do you look for in a potential mate? How important are looks, height, waist-size, money, occupation, character and personality?

The Emotions of a Difficult Woman

2008-09-15T12:32:00.006-04:00

My emotions are always getting me into trouble. It seems as long as I go through my days with a smile and never express the way I really feel about something, I meet with no opposition. But there are times when I speak about a bothersome situation in my passionate way and it just throws people off (especially men). It seems like I am speaking a foreign language when I’m angry, especially with those closest to me. I try to vent or express my frustration and suddenly I am in the middle of a full-blown argument that is quickly gaining momentum.

I know I am entitled to my own feelings but is all of this really necessary? Should I sit on my emotions until I can speak about them in a monotone manner? Or should I just talk to somebody who is not close enough to the situation to get upset with me? My man basically tells me that nothing should matter, but I am the Difficult Woman – something is bound to get me wound up!

What do you think I should do?

Sisters or Enemies?

2008-09-12T11:26:00.005-04:00

As hard as it can be for some to find a good man, I think it can be even harder for women to find a good female friend! Why is it so hard for women to get along? It seems like one of the hardest things in the world is for us to gain each other’s trust.

Should all of womankind be blamed for the few who offended us in the past? Should we care if someone else is jealous of us? If we find our men attractive, does it make sense for other women to be attracted also? Are these valid reasons to be suspicious of all women?

One woman said she feels she has to be extra charming and complimentary to women that she meets or else they won’t even speak to her. Often I will smile and say hello to a woman passing by and have it returned with a blank stare and silence. Why? What if I secretly had 10 million dollars in my pocket and I just wanted to meet one woman who would greet me nicely so I could give it to her?

I see it this way: the woman I choose to ignore may be the woman who has the answer to my question. I may be able to help her, or she may be the friend that I need. Women have so many common emotions and experiences that we could share and learn from with each other but instead we end up competing and hating people we don’t even know. What will it take for us to be more open towards other women?

Quotes:
“It is because of men that women dislike one another.” ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688

“There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” ~Madeleine K. Albright

LET IT GO

2008-08-30T15:43:00.004-04:00

Today I thought about how sometimes it is not enough to want to shake things off and move on. When you get rid of something negative, you probably need to replace it with something positive. For example, you just ended a relationship with someone who refused to treat you right. If that person was a big part of your life, you may miss them and even feel the urge to re-connect. It could help to spend more time with your real friends or do things that you really enjoy doing in your spare time.

To get rid of all the depressing thoughts and feelings, even the anger and hurt that you are completely justified to experience and hold onto – you have to become to dead to it. I personally found that I can try to shake stuff off all day long but as soon as something triggers the memory of it, I am feeling just as bad as before. I had to decide that I wasn’t going to let the negative thoughts control me anymore.

There is always a choice, even if the person or situation won’t change right away; we always have a choice to focus on the good, the love, the light in every situation. We can choose to make changes for ourselves even when others won’t change. The question is - how do you move on from a really hurtful situation?